Spending an afternoon with a bunch of straight guys made me forget that I almost have to tone down my bitchiness honesty just 'cause straight guys 'don't get it', unlike my gay friends.
Anyway, I had plans to meet up with the boys, *Beavis and *Butthead, at a coffee shop. I drove up in the Ford Hurricane, which usually draws a lot of unwanted attention to me because of my hobbit-like stature.
*Beavis: Isn't that truck a lil too big for a tiny girl like you?
That drew fits of laughter amongst the boys, which, I'm not going to deny, shattered me emotionally.
Cheap shot, boys. You know that scene where a boy kicks a girl in the crotch and he's expecting the girl to react the same way he does when he gets kicked in the nuts, but that doesn't happen coz HELLO! girls don't have balls, and then he gets a knock-out punch from the girl in return? Yeah, isn't that some funny shit?
Oh hold on, did I just say, "shattered me emotionally?" Me, shatter emotionally? Must be the crazy pills talking.
Anyhoo, I felt that it was my duty as a servant of god, that I gave these boys a lesson on size and perception.
Perky: Hey *Beavis, that Audi Q7 is yours, isn't it?
*Beavis: Yeah. Isn't she a babe?
Perky: Yeah, totally. I guess you must get a lot of stares from people, right?
*Beavis: Oh hell yeah. That's why I got it in the first place.
Perky: Right. There's nothing like that high you get when people comment "Omg, check out that dude driving the Audi. Guess he bought it so people won't pay attention to his face".
*Beavis: I'm not ugl....my mother said I was her pride an...
Perky: Does it not bother you when people ask you, instead of spending all that money on a car, why don't you do something about your buck teeth and ape-like nostrils?
Then I turn to my next victim, *Butthead.
Perky: Hey *Butthead, you're slightly bigger than the average Malaysian, right?
*Butthead: I don't like where this is going, but yeah.
Perky: Do you not feel cramped up in your Kelisa?
*Butthead: Hey I fit in it just fine. I'm comfortable in it. It gets me to places. It's a fuel-saving car.
Perky: Wow, you actually have to psych yourself up every time you get into your car, huh? Doesn't it make you feel small when you see me driving in my truck? Think of all that leg room, all that height and all that power a truck has that a Kelisa doesn't.
My ultraman's bigger than your ultraman!
[Photo credit: Ultraman Avatars at Avatarist]
I would've stopped right there but I couldn't resist and added this for the final blow:
Perky: You may walk tall and big, but on the road you're just an ant next to me. And you're ok with that?
The silence from the boys was a sweet victory to me as I sipped my smoldering hot coffee. If it were not for the moment we were in, I would've squealed like a wuss for I had burnt my tongue while trying to maintain the macho look I had over the boys.
*Butthead: You're hungry, aren't you?
Perky: Yeah, I'm starving! And I think I'm PMS-ing too.
*Beavis: And I think you may have forgotten to take your crazy pills today.
[Writer's note: *Names has been changed to protect the boys' identities. I fear that if their actual identities are made public, they may never recover from depression if people knew that they secretly cry when watching chick flicks and that they enjoy long walks on the beach.]
*Disclaimer: No one got offended during this seemingly brutal exchange. That's just how we roll.
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